If only
by Paradox Siren
Summary: Jean and Logan battle their feelings for eachother... please R&R... (my first X-Men fic...)


Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to X-Men, save for this story, so please don't even think about suing me… I have no money. BUT… If you want to give me the X-Men I wouldn't refuse… hehehe…

This is just something I wrote because I was bored… I hope that someone out there will enjoy reading it. )

Jean shuddered at the touch of his hand on her shoulder. She did not want him here, but something deep in the pit of her stomach told her that she needed him here with her. That animalistic influence in her life had become insatiable. She needed it always, but could never let it show.

Hiding her feelings for Logan was becoming an ever-present task that became more difficult every time she saw him, every time he looked at her with those deep eyes, every time he touched her lightly she felt the sparks fly. Maybe it was only static from the evil carpet, but there were sparks. It was becoming more and more difficult for her to pull away every time he touched her.

She couldn't show how it made her knees weak when he touched her. She couldn't give anyone a reason to believe that her feelings toward Logan were any more than platonic. She didn't want him to know how she was feeling, but it was too late. He knew; he had always known. And waiting was killing him.

If she only knew the power she had over him. Every time that she looked at him with her eyes full of pain and wisdom of years beyond her age, he died inside. He knew that she would never be his, but that could never stop the love, and the lust, that he felt for her. She had awakened something in his soul that he had never felt before. She made him want to be a different person, a better person. She made him want to be a person that he knew he could never be: Scott.

God, how he hated that one-eyed emotionally-constipated….. husband of hers. How she could fall in-love with and actually marry that guy was beyond his comprehension. Logan felt that Jean needed a lot more in her life. He knew that she needed unpredictability, excitement… Passion. She wasn't getting those things from Scott. She couldn't be.

He wanted to share himself with her; to be hers. He wanted to be inside her head, to understand her, to give her everything that she could ever want… but he knew that she would never let him. No matter what she felt. Damn telepath; too strong of a mind. He could never break her. He didn't want to have to break her to have her.

So there they stood, Logan with his strong hand gently resting on Jean's shoulder, thumb stroking the silky red hair that threw itself on his skin; Jean stood there, her heart racing so fast that she felt that she should pass out at any minute. Instead, she turned and looked deep into Logan's eyes, her own eyes full of a deep sorrow that was expressed fully in her expression.

Logan understood. He had tried forcing himself on her before, and that got him nothing but the knowledge that Jean was a good kisser. And that she truly did love Scott. So, Logan took his hand from her shoulder, put it gently behind her head, leaned down and kissed her lightly on the forehead. "Later, Red," he said, and left her presence.

Jean watched him until he was completely out of her telepathic range, then walked to the living room and sat down in her favorite recliner chair. The same chair that happened to be Logan's favorite. It still smelled of him. She closed her eyes and let herself fall into a world where she was surrounded entirely in Logan. She could smell him, feel him, taste him…

She hugged her knees to her face and buried her head. She hated the real world. So much pain and violence, not nearly enough love and passion. And she was all alone; stuck in this angry world without a person to bare her soul to. There was no solution to her angst except to just keep on living. The problem would never go away. He would always be there, whether physically or only in her mind. He had left his mark on her consciousness and she would never let it fade. He made her feel things that she had never known that she could feel. She wished that she could just melt away into his embrace and be lost in him forever, away from the cold insensitive world where she was forced to be responsible and a leader.

She didn't even want to imagine what it would do to the team if she let her feelings for Logan, whatever they may be, surface and take control in her life. It would tear them apart. Scott would never be the same, and he is their leader she thought. Why am I even thinking about this?! It's not like I would ever express any romantic feelings for Logan even if I had any. Jean sat for a moment and pondered her last thought. I must be in the denial stage she thought laughingly. Once again she let herself drift back into her own quiet world where the essence of Logan surrounded her entire conscious. Only then could she be at peace.

Logan was far from relaxed at the moment. He was on a motorcycle, Scott's if you want to be technical, and was going at least 20 mph above the speed limit. Once again he was thoroughly frustrated with himself and was attempting to blow off steam by flying down the empty wooded highway. He hated the feeling that was possessing him. He didn't want to feel like this was an issue of not getting what he wanted… but it was. He wanted her more than he wanted anything else in the whole damn world.

He knew in his gut that she wanted him too, but she was so loyal to Scott that it made him sick. And it made him hate Scott more than he ever thought he could be capable of hating. Some days he wanted nothing more than to put a fist through that kid's face. But he never could, because it would create an even larger rift than there already was between him and Jean. All he could do was threaten and glare. And think nasty thoughts. Nasty thoughts that he was almost certain Jean had over-heard at one time or another.

He looked down at the speedometer to find that he was now going 30 mph over the speed limit. He didn't care any more. There was a part of him missing and he could never have the one thing that would make him whole: Jean. All the frustration that had built of inside of him came out in the sound of a roar. He could feel it vibrate though his entire body and could even hear it above the roaring of the engine. When he could exhale no more the roar ceased.

Logan turned the bike around and headed back home. The tank was almost empty. When he pulled into the garage, he parked the bike right where it had been. He proceeded to go inside and was looking forward to crashing in his favorite armchair. What he wasn't expecting to find there, however, was Jean. His eyes narrowed. Then he smiled. "May I join you?" he asked coyly.

Jean looked up at him from where she had her head buried in her knees. She read over his thoughts, which were running wild, and smiled.

"I don't think there is enough room for both of us," she answered.

"Well then you'll just have to sit on my lap," he countered.

Jean smiled. She had heard that one coming. She shook her head.

"Not happening. I was here first," she said in an almost playful tone.

Logan picked up on it almost immediately.

"No!" Jean screamed, laughing, as Logan rushed to the chair and tried to pull her out of it. Jean knew that he wasn't using most of his strength since he could have easily tossed her across the room. Nope. He was going to enjoy as much physical contact as he could get away with.

After about 5 minutes of wrestling for the chair, Jean somehow ended up on Logan's lap. Then everything fell silent. Jean found herself gazing into Logan's crystal blue eyes, and Logan held his breath as Jean looked up at him. Time seemed to stand still as Logan leaned slowly forward and pressed his lips up against Jean's. Jean's breathe caught in her throat as memories flooded her mind. Then, almost as suddenly as the memories had come, her mind went blank, and she became lost in the kiss. Lost in Logan's passionate embrace. The world ceased to move and for that brief moment, she was free.

Then Hell came back to haunt her. She sensed Scott coming in time to pull away from Logan, tell him in his mind what was about to happen, stand, and move to the couch just as Scott entered the room. The expression on his face showed that he was completely unaware of anything that had taken place, and was only passing by.

Jean smiled at him.

Logan scowled.

Scott leaned over the couch to give his wife a quick kiss, and said, "Xavier is sending 'Ro and I on a trip to Texas of all places to contact a mutant ally there. I don't know how long we will be gone."

Jean looked distraught.

Logan grinned widely.

Scott glared at Logan but a glare can be hard to see through Ruby-Quartz glasses. Scott kissed Jean again lightly on the lips. Jean forced herself not to show that she wanted so much more from that kiss. "Bye Babe," Scott said. "Bye," replied Jean, watching Scott walk with Ororo and listened to his thoughts as they headed for the Blackbird. Nothing interesting there. As usual she thought before mentally slapping herself. Man, you're in a bad mood Jean she said to herself.

Logan continued to grin widely, and stood up so quietly that even Jean didn't notice, until he was practically in her lap. "Logan!" she exclaimed amusedly. "Yeah Babe," he answered with the same cocky grin. He stroked her face gently and because he was sitting on her, she couldn't pull away. "Logan, I…" she never had a chance to finish. Logan enveloped her mouth in his and drew her into him. She couldn't resist him any longer. Her husband had hardly left the building and here she was in the arms, and mouth, of another man. Oh, Logan, how I wish I had known you sooner…


End file.
